Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
