Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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