onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
