does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
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fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds