I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
