Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
