someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
