dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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