tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
