I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
