Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
