That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
