i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
