Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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