dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize