i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
