my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
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We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
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Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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