omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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