we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
