Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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