i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
