Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
