Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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