I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
