True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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