Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
