puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
