Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
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