I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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