How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
