He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
