apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
