I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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