Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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