Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
