I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
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so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Sober January is a disaster.
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This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.