you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
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I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
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She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm