you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless