i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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