Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
