I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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