Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
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Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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