that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
