i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
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we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
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