so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Randomize
