I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
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There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
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you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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