OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
