please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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