Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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