It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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