You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
