I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
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