on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize