At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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