If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
